our last essay of the quarter. we were assigned to add a "lost chapter" that might have appeared in Anne Lamott's book, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith.
so here it is. . .
Three Words
His name was David and he swept me off my feet. See, months before he came into my life, I believed I had reached an ultimate low. My father died, which ripped my entire life apart. I began to drink too much for my tiny body to handle, and after I would just sleep all day. It got to the point where I didn’t want to do anything. I couldn’t even get out of bed anymore, let alone attempt to eat something. One day I wondered what would happen if I just stopped breathing – maybe then I could be with my father. But each time I held my breath, I would chicken out. Maybe it was God squeezing more air into my lungs, I don’t know. Nonetheless, I continued being depressed and feeling sorry for myself. When I finally ended up getting out of the house – it was only to buy more alcohol.
This is where David came in. I made my way to the supermarket, where I browsed each aisle. All I really remember was someone’s cart hitting the others’ and laughing for the first time in months. From the very start, David was charming and sweet. He was almost too sweet, but enough to take. It reminded me of when I was a little kid eating pancakes with a whole bottle of syrup; except that I didn’t care because I enjoyed it so much.
For some reason, I completely trusted him right away. I had never been able to trust anyone as much as I did with him, let alone a man. Somehow I just fell hard, and fast. I engulfed his life and fit it into mine within the first month. Everything I needed I suddenly found in him. Everything that left my life with the loss of my father was present in David. He was the strong force I needed to drive me, to keep me going.
Our relationship started beautifully. We shared the same friends, enjoyed the same activities, and loved to get caught up in each other. Everyday, every chance he could get, he would call me. We would talk until he went to work, then again when he got out of work. We would hang out the second he got off of work and most likely drink or smoke. This would happen day after day, and I loved it. It was kind of like a bizarre fairy tale of some sort.
I loved David with all of my heart and even thought we might settle down and get married. I believed in always telling those you love that you love them, so every chance I would get, I would tell David. He was the first man I ever said “I love you” to and actually meant it. Those three words were so powerful and used often between us. Whenever I said it, I could feel it deep down in my heart; that fuzzy feeling I always heard about, but never really experienced till him.
However, we were both becoming extremely dependent on each other. I would feel so empty inside after not hearing from him for only a couple of hours. It seemed I was only happy around him and I started to ignore my friends. Eventually, our dependency grew to a scary situation. I needed to know where he was and who he was with every five minutes. I wanted him to be with me all the time. I wanted him to only want to spend time with me. We were both wrapped up in each other’s lives that every part of him started to disgust me. I wanted him around, yet I hated him. I wanted no one else – I only wanted his company, yet the thought of him made me nauseous. I could not figure out what it was.
I then realized I could not let go because I had been scared the whole time. I was too scared of being by myself. I only wanted to be loved and make someone happy. I was also searching for someone to be the man in my life. After realizing our ridiculous behavior, David and I decided to take a break and breathe. After only two weeks, we got back together, thinking everything would be okay. Of course, everything wasn’t okay. We did not know how to be independent anymore. We fell back into our same routine, but didn’t complain. Being so used to the routine, we just went with it. But life wasn’t fun and exciting anymore. The spark was gone, and now we were just two filthy addicts in the same room, who just happened to say those three words every now and then.
I should have noticed when David no longer looked at me the same way. I should have noticed when we went from two filthy addicts, to just me being the filthy addict. David suddenly had a new bounce in his step, something in his eyes seemed happier. Four months later, I found out my prince charming had cheated on me. And to make things worse, she was pregnant.
David left me.
My world crumbled again.
How could I pick up the pieces this time? After my father’s death, David helped me find myself again. He was the one I trusted most, but now what would I do?
Who would I turn to?
It hurt so bad to think – the one person I made my priority only saw me as an option. I didn’t know what to do now that my strength let me down.
How could I ever trust again?
It’s a crazy thing, being cheated on. You begin to feel unworthy of love; as if it is somehow your fault that someone would cheat on you. I started to live life as I did after my father passed away, which is not even living. I was emotionless; I could not feel anything anymore, but shame. I felt as if nothing would ever get better. My days kept getting darker and darker. My whole body ached so badly, I could barely move. My eyes became extremely puffy; I don’t even know how
I saw through them.
I was slowly dying inside.
The storm would not stop.
I began giving up on God, thinking he should have helped me by then. I started to doubt God, and blamed Him for all I was going through.
Yet through your darkest days, God somehow finds a way to lift you back into the sunlight. While cleaning one day, I came across one of my father’s old book of quotes. In it, I found a beautiful quote by Robert Frost, “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”
And with that, my attitude changed. I started to love myself. I learned I didn’t need to depend on another. I didn’t need to hear, “I love you” to be complete.
My new three words, “life goes on.”
