if only. . .

i could find the words i need to say.

man. it's been a while since i posted.
i used to post like everyday. seriously. even if it was the stupidest things.. and nonsense coming out of my mouth. but at least i had memories to look back on. now i'm not gonna remember anything from this year. hah... yeah right. but ya know.

so. how do i feel?
well at this very moment i'm lovin my laptop! ha! it's quite nifty i must say.
i should be in riverside right now... BUT.. today was auntie baby's birthday.. so we ate and such and had visitors after practice. THEN got coldstone w/ cheri and clurr.. THEN ate a bit more.. THEN kept reenacting scenes from *elf* that we decided to rent it and watch it AGAIN!!!! =) haha cause cheri didn't see it yet. so jahhh. came home a while ago. goin home in the morning. now talking to kris and genzennnn. those two crazies. ha.. anyway....

what to say?
lately i feel like listening to jason mraz. even though i have yet to learn all the words.. =) but i like his music. so very nice. i think i shall play it right now!

what have i been up to?
hmmm.. this week was nice. i got to skip how many classes? haha. a LOT. =) and i went shopping with my sisSTAR and ate and patsy. that's always fun. actually, that was a productive day! but yahh.. let's skip this what have i been up to.. cause there's much to write..

back to how do i feel?
it's like for so long you're supposed to do this, and you're supposed to feel this, and you're just supposed to something.
you just get so used to being in the same place.
i'm tired of this place. i'm tired of waiting for this.. and that.
i'm tired of sitting around and wanting to be happy.
most of all i'm tired of wondering if i might be happier leaving.
what's so wrong with something new?
aint nothing wrong with that.
maybe it's the comfort zone.
maybe it's the falling back into what you know.
what you're used to.
what just goes cause it's what's been happening for so long.
no regrets.
no regrets.
no regrets.
everything happens for a reason.
do i really believe that?
what i really, really think.
is that i really, really need to start learning.
i need to move on yet still remember where i came from and what i've been through.
i cannot go through the same stupid shit again.
i know better than that.


and you know.. the way that i feel. this is exactly why i was happy.. or at least okay with the way things were changing. now it seems i'm falling back into that routine again. =/.
but i just can't let myself be anything but positive.
hopefully i have good things ahead of me.


another question... who do i love?
i love you cat. my PinC, you know if anything.. i'd suck it all in just to make you happy. understand me and i'll understand you. i love you always.

i love you patsy. i know we joke about not being able to handle being with each other for more than 24 hours anymore... but seriously i see you like everyday. haha. no lie. but i still love you brotherrr and i'm happy you're in lineage. and.. and... i love you, that's it. =) [p.s. *but i'm here now... i laaav you i laaaav you i LAAAAHHHHV you!!*]

i love you ate. i always say it... but thank you for understanding me. letting me vent and venting to me. have fun and enjoy yourself in hawaii... and find me a sexy man over there! haha. really though.. enjoy!! and be safe cause your lala loves you!

i love you kristooo. mann, you KNOW i must love you cause i got in trouble for your damn shoes!!! haha. but yeah, keep your head up mister! but if not.. at least you got your pretty shoes to look at =)

i love you sisSTAR. i miss being around you all the time, really i do. i miss yelling at you to hurry up and such. haha. but i still got the rest of my life with you so don't worry sisSTAR. you're the best. stay cool. peace out sexayyy.

i love you genz. remind me to stop joking about that damn pokeball.. =) haha. gahhh i brought it up AGAIN. damnittt!! haha. i tell you all the time... but i MISSS you! really, i do. you'd think since you're just up the street i'd come visit you on the weekends.... but NO, cause you got "OTHER friends".. it's ok tho.. i still miss you!! ='(

i love you cowsin. whatever the fuck ever. hehhehehe =)don't you love our talksss?? like at great steak, and in the car... especially on the way home from jrose's and someone got us lost?! haha. i know you love having me around. how else would you find your way home? cowsin i lab yoo. come visit more often.. the dorm's an even happier place with you around. =)

all you other crazy people.. i love you tooo... but i really gotta go sleep now.
to be continued...

how good it must feel..
to just be happy.

*i wont worry my life away. . .*