i'm HOOOOOOOOOOOME.....
too much flying and driving...

*at your best, you are love...you're a positive motivating force within my life..should you ever feel the need to wonder why, let me know...*
oh man aaliyah, it's crazy cuz she was in my head all of the time, i kept wanting to listen to her songs on my cd, and when we were flying, i said to my sister "why do i have a bad feeling"..i started praying cuz i really thought something bad was gonna happen...and i thought it was cause i kept seeing her diary thing on mtv..cause at the time i didn't know..


here's what's been on my mind...


one day i was just sitting and thinking
all of the problems i had started playing over and over again in my head.
my head hurt. my heart hurt. my whole body hurt.
that night i couldn't sleep.
all of a sudden as i just lay there, tears jsut started flowing..i don't know why, but they just came..
i kept thinking, "oh god, just take this pain away"...
..the next day, i got on the plane.
i kept trying to think of solutions. i wanted to push people away an jsut blame myself for everything that happened..of course i knew that wasn't going to work..
then it happened..
i just looked out the window...
i saw all the cars and the people getting smaller and smaller..
i thought of when i'm in a car, and how in one little car...i can be just one little person in there...in that one little car, on that one little street.....in this big world...
and then i thought again..."why are you wasting all your time thinking about all this crap?..whatever happened was supposed to happen, and the answers will come to you when it's supposed to, and everything will work out.."
and then the next day we were driving in the car...and as we got off of the freeway, we saw this man on the sidewalk and he was saying how he was hungry and stuff like that on this sign...
i thought AGAIN...."why am i being such a brat?...look at how lucky i am...look at everything i have...look at how MY problems are nothing to this man on the sidewalk who's going hungry and doesn't even have a home..."
and so then i thought, who cares about went or goes wrong...i mean isn't that life?...nothing and no one is always happy...and even if they are, it's cause they don't give a shit about anything, or because they don't want to realize there IS a problem...
i mean, i know that things happen to everyone sometimes...it's just that everything happened to go wrong all at the SAME TIME....
but instead of dwelling on it i decided...
to stop pretending you're happy when inside you're hurting...
don't put other people first
stop trying to change how you feel and you're mood to please everyone..
...or you'll only hurt yourself



*i sought out the Lord and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their cry. the face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to cut off the rememberance of them from the earth. the righteous cry out, and the Lord delivers them out of their troubles. the Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit. the Lord redeems the soul of his servants, and none of those who trust in him shall be condemned.*
--psalm 34:4,15-18,20

*why are you cast down, O my soul? and why are you disquieted within me? hope in God, for i shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.*
--psalm 42:5